


Happier with me

by spacewritermonkey



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Jealousy, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25713160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacewritermonkey/pseuds/spacewritermonkey
Summary: How do you reconcile between past and future? Easily enough, as it should be. It's been years after all.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 17
Kudos: 199





	1. Chapter 1

> _Yeah, you look happier, you do_

She hadn’t been back in years. A part of her probably would have sworn off the country in its entirety if it weren’t for the few remaining friends she still had on this side of the globe. She had so few to speak of she would rather work on keeping them than bother trying to make new ones.

A wedding.

If it weren’t for her oldest and closest friends getting married, she probably wouldn’t have even stepped foot back here. Too many memories and, though few, the painful ones held the most weight. Then again, they’re pretty much the only family she has in this world. Practically sisters in all but blood. She can’t afford to _not_ be here.

Or maybe, the truth is she’s jealous.

They look at her with a bit of sadness in their eyes and on the worst nights, even with pity. They think she doesn’t see or notice. She just pretends not to. They are two girls madly in love with each other and so eager to show the world and everyone who would listen just how much they adore the other.

Yes. Yes, she _is_ jealous.

And being back here just reminds her of what she lost; of the burden she continues to carry deep within the recesses of her heart. All because she is a coward.

To be honest, she wonders why she even bothers when practically everyone in her innermost circle “knows.” It’s like one goddamn open secret. _Language._ She sighs. Even now she can’t break the habit.

She almost smirks to herself at the pun.

Then her smile fades in recollection of a time long ago.

There used to be a girl who loved to laugh at her attempt at jokes.

And therein lies one secret no one knows.

A story about a girl she left behind. The first one she believes—no, knows—she ever loved. The only one she had ever allowed herself to come even close to…being her true self with.

* * *

It’s already dark, but the neon lights of various dining establishments lend to the visibility of finding whatever she’s looking for. She looks at her phone and notes the time and the message preview that accompanies the notification. Her friends are running late. Perhaps she can pass the time by walking a bit further just too soak in the sights once more. By the look of things, not too much seems to have changed. Still the same old stomping ground of her youth for the most part.

Laughter. Wild, uninhibited, and clear laughter rings out into the night and catches her attention. She manages to turn her head just in time to see its source.

Her eyes widen in shock and disbelief.

It’s _her_.

Of all the time and places, this is where they will finally cross paths.

She can’t help but soak in the sight of the first girl she ever allowed herself to fully admit to having ever loved. Sadly, the ache she feels in her heart at this moment makes her wonder if she’s ever truly moved on. She wonders if she even remembers her.

_She’s grown even more beautiful if that’s even possible._

Right as she wonders about the source of such mirth, she realizes _she_ isn’t alone. 

She has an arm wrapped around the waist of another girl. And given the quick kiss they give each other on the lips, she can safely assume that they are definitely more than just friends.

She looks on from a distance as _she_ reaches up to fix the lapels on the other girl’s coat with her free hand, while the other girl smiles unabashedly in return. Arms wrapped around one another, they walk into a restaurant and appear entirely absorbed solely in each other.

A pained smile flits through her lips as she realizes that she’s nearly forgotten how beautiful she gets when she laughs. Especially when her eyes laugh along with her lips. Almost without her conscious knowledge, she finds herself walking towards the restaurant. She can’t believe it. The one time she comes back here, for a wedding nonetheless, and she sees her.

Trembling fingers rise to skim the surface of the glass, as if by doing so she can be closer somehow.

She observes them both, but mostly her eyes are fixated on her alone.

She’s grown older. They both have, of course. There’s an air of wisdom about her as she speaks. No longer as listless, there’s an undercurrent of strength and confidence in her movements. She doesn’t even seem to notice anyone else as she reaches out to take the hand of her dinner companion in order to lay a kiss on her palm.

_That could’ve been you._

Indeed, memories of the past flash before her mind’s eye as she recalls what it took to lose what she’s lost.

_The slam of a door opening and interrupting them._

_Angry and hateful words. Ripped away from her arms._

_The verbal threat of losing everything she had worked so hard for._

_Tears. Pain. Too many tears._

_“I am willing to fight for you! For us! Just tell me that you’re in this as deep as I am and I will!”_

_The cold words she can’t believe came from her lips in response. And the silence that followed._

Granted, they were so much younger then. Anyone would have told them they weren’t old enough to grasp what their love would have meant, more so to even think that they had a chance.

 _Guess you’ll never know then_ , a snide voice inside of her pipes up.

Indeed. It’s too late.

If so, then why has she suddenly entered the restaurant? She barely notices the maître d’ who she waves off with a blind gesture that intends to impart the message of joining someone already inside.

“Beatrice?”

* * *

“Hi! I’m Ava.”

“Cecilia.”

“Oooooh. Old friend of Beatrice? Sweet!”

“Yes. A friend.”

_Just a friend._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice's past makes a not-so-welcome reappearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been awhile and I was supposed to update this long before. It's just I've felt at odds with this one. Hope this passes muster though.

“Beatrice?” The sound of her name jolts Beatrice back from the shock of seeing someone from her past. Because that’s all she is now. Right? She can no longer hurt her. She’s over this—over _her_.

She clears her throat in a bit of discomfort, unconsciously tightening her grasp around her date’s hand, and then relaxing when she feels a gentle squeeze in return. She sees the hint of concern and smiles to assure her that she’s okay. They’re here together. She can do anything.

Briefly, she spares a quick glance back at the unexpected guest and with her nearly eidetic memory has already catalogued the miniscule differences since they saw each other last.

_Yes. When she walked away, left you broken, and damned you with your parents._

The memory still has some sway over her, Beatrice realizes, based on the tight feeling she gets in her chest, right where her heart is supposed to be.

* * *

Meanwhile, taking her cue from the flustered ex-nun in front of her, Ava goes ahead and stretches a hand in greeting. “Hi! I’m Ava.”

“Cecilia,” is all the answer she gets in return. Whoever she is, Ava observes that she can hardly take her eyes away from Beatrice.

“Oooooh. Old friend of Beatrice? Sweet!” Ava tosses a teasing grin over to her girlfriend. It pleases Ava to no end to observe that while Cecilia may be focused on Beatrice, Beatrice’s focus is solely on her.

The former nun turns back to face the woman she hadn’t seen in years and offers what Ava knows is Beatrice’s polite smile.

_“I kind of feel bad for those at the receiving end of your polite smile.” Ava props up her chin with her elbow on the table, finding it not at all odd to stare at the other woman despite other people seated nearby._

_Trying to ignore the lingering self-consciousness Beatrice still tries to fend off every now and then, she chooses to ignore Ava’s stare and instead focuses on the words and context of her statement._

_“Why would you feel bad? Just last week you nearly got upset when you thought I was winking at the salesclerk over at the supermarket.”_

_Ava rolls her eyes, “How should I know you had something in your eye?”_

_“Mhmm.” Beatrice replies nonchalantly while perusing the tome in front of her, while in truth, a part of her feels a tad giddy at the thought of Ava being just a little bit jealous and possessive. She would never want the halo bearer to doubt her feelings or her place in Beatrice’s life, but there’s something just a little thrilling in the idea that Ava_ wants _her. Her. Beatrice. Not the nun, not the perfect warrior, not even the perfect person she strives to show everyone. Just her. Wants her just enough she can’t fathom Beatrice possibly even looking at someone else._

_“All I’m saying is, I feel sorry for them because they never get to see your beatific smile.”_

_Beatrice looks up from her book to arch an eyebrow at the younger woman. “Do you know what that means?”_

_“Sure, I do. Bea-tific. It’s everything you are.” Ava goes back to staring at her with—dare she say it—a smitten expression on her face. Beatrice rolls her eyes in response, trying to tamp down a smile she knows is a losing battle. Looking up to catch the other’s eyes, Beatrice indeed loses said battle as her own smitten smile flits through her face, transforming into a chuckle as they end up gazing just a tad too long at each other._

_“Oh, for fuck’s sake. We take our meals here! Cut the staring or go find a room.” The accompanying slam of a tray on the table breaks their moment and Ava shifts her attention towards annoying Mary in retaliation._

“Yes. A friend.” Something passes between the two of them, Ava notes. She doesn’t know what it is, but it does serve to make Ava somewhat uncomfortable.

Which probably could be blamed when Ava does what she does best.

Open her mouth.

“Would you like to join us?”

Beatrice’s head turns so fast to stare at her with wide unblinking eyes. It would have been funny except both Beatrice and Cecilia look pained to say the least.

“Or not. Totally your call,” Ava hurries to add.

The newcomer, Cecilia, stammers an excuse about meeting friends and suddenly walks away, nearly disappearing as quickly as she arrived early on. Ava can’t help but ask, “Would you like to share what your deal is with her?”

Beatrice shakes her head and mutters a “no.”

Ava sighs but accepts it for what it is. In time, Beatrice will let her know.

They go back to perusing the menu, though both are blindly looking at nothing, given the state of their thoughts. Ava sighs once again. It’s not exactly her character trait to shy away from her curiosity, though Beatrice has been teaching her about “right place and time.” _Score one for maturity_. However, this feels too significant to go unacknowledged at the very least.

Ava quickly puts the menu back down and tugs at the hand she still holds. “Cecilia is more than an old friend.” It’s not a question. And Ava observes the effect her unspoken query has on Beatrice, who looks torn between fear and hurt. She chooses neither and defaults into her expressionless façade as she simply says, “Not now.”

However, not even a few seconds pass after responding, Ava observes the rare slump of Beatrice’s posture. The memories assail Beatrice into a bit of a panic as soon as Ava stated her observation, and at the same time scaring her at the thought of telling Ava the story. That is, until she realizes that this is Ava she’s talking to. Her girlfriend.

Beatrice emits a small sigh. “Cecilia and I used to go the same school.” She looks straight up at Ava and the other girl notes the calm low tone she likes to use when delivering a report. Factual.

It’s her girlfriend’s go-to measure when she’s fearful of losing control or composure. “It’s a long story, Ava, and not a good one at that. I can explain a bit further later, but if you must know…” Beatrice unintentionally tightens her grip around the hand she holds, “Her parents caught us in a… _delicate_ situation. I was young—we both were. But I thought I loved her deep enough to want to fight for her. For us.”

_“I am willing to fight for you! For us! Just tell me that you’re in this as deep as I am, and I will!”_

“ _I don’t even know what I was thinking, allowing myself to be involved with the likes of you. You took advantage of my loneliness, Beatrice. I really don’t want to see you again.”_

“Long story short: she felt differently, my parents got involved, and next thing I know is I got shipped off to Catholic boarding school in the middle of the year. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to the few friends that I had. Although maybe that was a blessing in disguise. After all, none of them appeared to have looked for me. No one even wrote to me or reached out at all during my first year away from home.”

Ava can see the tears threatening to fall from her girlfriend’s eyes and part of her wishes time travel was one of her superpowers. She would seek out young Beatrice just so she can beat up everyone who dared to hurt her, including that idiot Cecilia. Looking around at the bustling restaurant with its romantic atmosphere, suddenly Ava felt they shouldn’t be here.

* * *

Beatrice automatically finds herself in a state of panic when Ava stands up and disengages her hand from hers. _Have I said too much? Does she think I still feel anything at all for Cecilia? Dear God, please don’t…_

Fortunately, before she can fully immerse herself in a downward spiral, Ava has moved around the table, holding up Beatrice’s coat. “C’mon. Let’s go someplace else.”

Beatrice immediately stands up and unthinkingly turns to shrug on the coat Ava offered, all while mentally reviewing everything in her mind as to what could have turned out wrong. “You wanted to have dinner here. You’ve been excited about our reservation tonight for weeks. I’m sorry.” She feels like she should be apologizing and doing something to make up for ruining their night, but Ava simply shakes her head, hooks an arm through hers and guides her towards the exit.

“You don’t have to apologize. What happened has happened. If we’re blaming anyone, we should blame that woman for interrupting our would-be date night.”

The former nun blushes and nearly stammers in trying to persuade Ava to stay.

“You’re no longer comfortable in there, Bea. No food is worth it if you’re not comfortable and happy. And no, stuffing my mouth with as much pasta as I want is not the same. You’re not _that_ uncomfortable. Just a little bit queasy.” Ava grins as she tries to lighten the mood.

Beatrice chuckles at the easy memory of Ava trying to annoy her with her terrible table manners.

“I must admit, I was looking forward to tonight, mostly to see you try and manage with an actual table napkin and a complete set of utensils.”

Ava smirks as she leans up close to whisper teasingly in ear, “I was looking forward to you feeding me if necessary.”

They’ve barely gone past a few feet from the door of the restaurant when Ava feels her girlfriend stiffen. Following her gaze, the halo bearer can see that blast from the past has made another comeback.

“Hi again.” She greets with a small awkward wave.

Ava’s patience can only go so far, and normally that’s already too little.

“Cecilia, was it?” A small nod from the woman in question prompts Ava to continue, “How about you tell us what is it exactly that you want so my girlfriend and I can salvage what’s left of our rare night off?”

Ava’s unsure what it was that made the other woman’s eyes widen so comically, but the tighter grip of Beatrice’s hand suddenly on her forearm might have been a hint. Except Ava doesn’t really do hints very well.

“Your…your girlfriend?” The way she posed the question, like it was part disbelief and part horror, made Ava want to reach over and shake her—by the neck.

“What? Did I stutter?” Ava scoffs, then turns to her girlfriend who looked…well, who looked like she ate Ava’s first attempt at cooking. It was like a mix of wanting not to show emotion but at the same time wanting to open her mouth and throw up. Although in this case, Ava guessed Beatrice might have something to say.

Which she did.

“She _is_ my girlfriend, Cecilia.”

The woman certainly has the theatrics to boot, Ava thinks, observing quietly as Cecilia places her hand on her chest with that dumbfounded look still on her face. _Bet myself an extra hour in training she faints within the next five minutes. Aw man, if only she had a fur coat with her too and a real-life black and white filter,_ Ava chuckles, noting the quality of the woman’s clothes that weren’t exactly unlike Beatrice’s when she had to go home a few times.

Both women turn to look inquisitively at Ava, who belatedly realized she may have been not so discreet with her amusement. “Sorry. Just a funny joke I remembered.”

Cecilia brings her attention back to Beatrice, her eyes seemingly drawn every so often at the hold her former schoolmate had around the other woman. Her so-called girlfriend. In public.

“Your parents know?”

 _There it is_ Beatrice grimly thinks.

“Yes. Yes, they know.” The former nun states it with no hesitation whatsoever just in case Cecilia has any doubts or thinks her parents’ opinions still had a hold over her.

“And…and their okay with it?”

The tone of Cecilia’s voice flummoxes Beatrice.

When she first laid eyes on her, a part of the former nun felt like she was on the verge of her world falling apart, similar to that fateful day years ago. A part of Beatrice felt too accustomed to being disappointed and being hurt by those who matter most to her. It did not escape her notice that having Ava with her tonight has been her saving grace.

A part of Beatrice also wondered if, much like the incident between them years ago, Cecilia would be the one to hurt her anew, although this time in the form of Ava as collateral damage. She wouldn’t put it past the woman who frankly Beatrice understood far too well.

If she hadn’t joined the OCS and met Mary, Lilith, Camila, Ava—even Mother Superion, would she end up just like the woman in front of her tonight? Half scared and hopeful?

“My parents aren’t exactly _okay_ with it.” Beatrice decides to just go with it for now, though she already has an idea of what Cecilia is after. Before her old _friend_ could continue to ask, “They are far from okay with it, but they’ve come to accept it only because apparently having a lesbian daughter is _a thing_ these days.” The sneer in Beatrice’s voice is unmistakable and draws Ava to remove her arm from the other woman in order to wrap a comforting hold around her waist instead.

“Oh.” Cecilia’s voice definitely holds a disappointed note to it.

“Do you have a problem with my girlfriend?” Ava’s voice breaks the terse silence.

Cecilia shoots her head back up to look her in the eye, panicked gaze on her face as she backpedals with, “No! No, I don’t have a problem. I just…” she redirects her gaze towards Beatrice and with tears in her eyes, smiles sadly and says, “You’re lucky.”

Beatrice knows there’s something else Cecilia wants to ask based on the look in her eyes. It’s something she used to see in her own reflection until life and a particular someone taught her otherwise. Thankfully, Cecilia seems to have gathered the courage to ask before Ava could lose what little patience she had left, based on the little rocking motion she tends to do when on her feet and getting restless.

“Are you happy?” The question doesn’t faze her. But the tone does.

Yet, with a smile that grows even further once she locks gazes with the woman beside her, Beatrice answers with firm and resolute certainty, “Happiest.” And Ava grins and adds, “Ditto!”

After a moment of silence where Cecilia seems to gauge their honesty, she apologizes for disturbing them for a second time before walking away hurriedly.

* * *

Ava sighs in frustration, “That’s the second time she walked away after ambushing us—twice! Rude.” She looks back up at her girlfriend, carefully assessing just how “okay” Beatrice is before asking the actual question, “You okay?”

The other woman seems to come back to herself, partly watching someone from her past get swallowed by the growing crowd of people out and about tonight. Ava observes that Beatrice seems to be giving her question some serious thought, face scrunching up in that adorable little frown she gets when she’s trying to figure things out.

“I’m okay.” Ava gets a soft smile along with those two words.

“I wonder what was up with her. Think she wanted you back?” Ava nudges Beatrice teasingly before remembering that her girlfriend still might be feeling vulnerable with having her past catch up with her in such a manner. However, before she can even attempt to apologize and withdraw her question, Beatrice speaks up.

“She didn’t want me back.” Her smile is soft and indulgent, something that would normally incense Ava but just looks so damn good on Beatrice’s face Ava can hardly complain really.

“If she didn’t want you back, why approach us in the first place? Why did she return almost immediately afterwards? Hell. Why bother at all? Can’t say it’s for closure. Girl didn’t even apologize to you after all these years, did she?”

Before Ava’s rambling could get out of hand, Beatrice finds her opening and interjects. “She wanted what I have. Or at least she wishes.”

The slight tilt of Ava’s head in silent confusion is cute and distracts Beatrice momentarily to encourage them both to start walking. Not exactly anywhere specific, but the movement gives the former nun time to reflect on what she wants to explain.

“Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I didn’t join the OCS: if I never met Mary, Shannon, Lilith, Camila, Mother Superion...you. Or, what if I never became a nun and simply returned home after my education? Would I have simply followed in my parents’ footsteps? Would I be immersed in politics right now? Where would I be? _What_ would I be like?”

Ava understands her girlfriend isn’t done and forces herself to stay quiet instead of cutting in and telling Beatrice she’d likely still be the awesome person Ava knows her to be.

“I wonder if I’d be exactly who Cecilia is today.”

Ava frowns, “You mean all fancy and sad?”

Beatrice can’t help but laugh lightly despite the gravity of the subject. Her girlfriend might often give off the persona of a mess, but Ava’s smarter than even she gives herself credit for. And the way she succinctly said her statement proves it to Beatrice more than ever.

“Yes. That’s precisely it. She asked about my parents’ reactions. See, you must understand that Cecilia and I…we are cut from the same cloth, Ava. It’s one of the reasons we initially got along. I found someone who understood how hard it was to be my parents’ daughter. She felt that too. And I never found out what happened to her after…the incident, but seeing her tonight… I feel bad for her.” Beatrice pauses to take both of Ava’s hands in hers, “That could have been me tonight, Ava. That could have been me, all ‘fancy and sad’.”

Ava takes a beat to look at Beatrice intensely before slightly shaking her head.

“What? You disagree with me?” She nudges the shorter woman teasingly.

“Aside from the fact that I wouldn’t have counted on you to dwell on the what-ifs, I beg to disagree that you might have ended up like Cecilia.”

“Do I dare ask why?”

Ava shrugs, “You’re a fighter. You had no clue as a kid, but your instinct was to fight for the both of you even then.”

“That could have easily been the recklessness of youth talking.” Beatrice offers with a self-deprecating smirk.

“Maybe. But would recklessness of youth include understanding that you both had to want it enough? You’d have fought as hard as you needed to so long as you knew for certain that she felt the same as you did.”

Beatrice looks at Ava with surprise. Ava huffs, withdrawing her hands to cross her arms defensively, pretending to be upset. “No need to look so surprised, Bea.”

Her girlfriend immediately apologizes. “No. No, I’m sorry. I just…sometimes it just takes me aback how much you believe in me.”

Ava grins and unexpectedly throws her arms around Beatrice, along with her entire weight, causing Beatrice to emit a bit of an “oomph,” staggering backwards until a step back immediately corrects her—their—balance, given her hold around the shorter woman.

“Love you, Bea. You can always believe in that in return.”

* * *

From the shadows, she observes them. She knows she’s disturbed them enough times tonight but a part of her can’t seem to help herself from watching the two of them interact. She wonders if they’re talking about her. She wonders if Beatrice’s girlfriend hates her.

_Girlfriend._

A simple word that means and holds so much. Simply said. No hesitation, no second guessing. Just an honest answer to an honest question. Who knows if that could’ve been them laughing, hugging, and even kissing in public? She feels a blush cover her entire face when she notes how Beatrice has tangled one hand around Ava’s hair, the other firmly grasping the small of her girlfriend’s back as she seems to be the one initiating a deeper kiss.

Cecilia can’t help but recognize just how different Beatrice is now when she vaguely recalls stolen kisses in darkened corners and empty hallways.

From a distance she watches them pull apart, yet still hand in hand. Ava says something that causes Beatrice to laugh aloud. They begin to walk away and Cecilia wonders if the pang of regret she feels inside is truly just for the girl she used to know or for what she might have let slip through her fingers years ago. Unfortunately, she’ll never know, will she?

What she knows for certain is Beatrice always told the truth. And she is indeed the happiest she’s ever been.

_Baby, you look happier, you do_

_I knew one day you'd fall for someone new_

_~~But if [she] breaks your heart like lovers do~~ _

_~~Just know that I'll be waiting here for you~~ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, it has been interesting to read the first chapter's comments with folks guessing what was up. It was meant to be vague AF. If you've reached the end of this one, I hope it's been clarified just whose POV was full of regrets in ch1. Also, apologies for the rate of updates (or lack thereof). I promised myself not to start another WIP (or at least attempt not to) until I've closed/resolved one. Of course, I could always just delete every WIP I have and start over guilt-free.


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